Random Thoughts...

it sure feels lonely……

I’ve been alone before…. but this sure takes the cake….
its like being alone from inside… how can that be… u cant be alone… u always have u with you whatever might be the case… but this time around… its seems like even that ‘u’ part is somewhere far away with her…
dont get ur mind running… the ‘u’ here is not her… i meant it more in the sense of the conscious… the soul.. the heart…
Yeah i know…silly…. maybe pathetic actually… to be saying this and writing it down to top it all….
but well… i guess i am saying the truth… why else would i be doing this…

you know its funny how things turn out…
i messed up…big time… i begged for another chance… i get it (?) and then as it would turn out…. i was at a place again begging for a chance for the same mess up… the same that had happened back then… somthing that whatever I did… it would never change… anyways… this is not abt tht… i got the chance… i worked on it… doggedly this time… with nothing in my hands…
somehow i began to think that things were changing… for the better this time… yeah the problems were there… there were problems she had…and i thought i was trying to the best to help her…. but somehow as it happened to turn out… it wasnt… or maybe it wasnt enough… well whatever it might be…
well surprisingly… i give in this time… (since she was sure that she was not happy with the way things were)… and me the silly fool that I am… told her that nothing else that mattered than her happiness… and if she felt that it was the right thing and that this would make her happy…so be it..
dint really know then… that was like the last nail on the coffin… my coffin… its true nothing matters than to see her happy… to see her smile… to see her feel free…
but somehow somewhere along the way… i kinda forgot how tht wud make me.. rather maybe i really did not forsee what that would do to me… no not her happiness and her smile and her being free…. but on the contrary… the lack of all those in my life… her presence… her everything…
and here i am now… at this juncture where somehow strangely i am not able to tell whether she is all that i just said…
i keep reassuring myself that maybe she is happy… that i am sure there are people keeping her happy and smiling…. however… i dont know why… its this strange new feeling… as much as i try to convince myself… i keep getting this thought… i dont knw… this question keeps creeping up… is she really happy… no not in the sense that a lover would ask or rather would secretly hope for… (being selfish ie) but well no… this is something different… i dont know… i somehow feel this inside… keep pacifying myself that its just mind games… but then… i dont know….
as much as i want her back… as much as i love her… i somehow still keep going back to saying the same thing… i hope that she is happy… that she is smiling.. that she feels free.. she feels the way she wants to feel…
i dont know what else to do… there have been many a times when i had wanted to say to her… but then… i really dont want to spoil anything for her… i really dont want to be the reason for her messing up something… i wish i knew what to do… and please not the regular jazz… let it go… move on… stuff like that… but no… i wish i knew what i could do to help her… i wish i knew…..

i miss it.. i miss it all… i miss everything… sometimes i miss me…. strange isnt it?
dont bother… its just the crazy me…. the nomad..correction…. the mad nomad :)