Random Thoughts...

it sure feels lonely……

I’ve been alone before…. but this sure takes the cake….
its like being alone from inside… how can that be… u cant be alone… u always have u with you whatever might be the case… but this time around… its seems like even that ‘u’ part is somewhere far away with her…
dont get ur mind running… the ‘u’ here is not her… i meant it more in the sense of the conscious… the soul.. the heart…
Yeah i know…silly…. maybe pathetic actually… to be saying this and writing it down to top it all….
but well… i guess i am saying the truth… why else would i be doing this…

you know its funny how things turn out…
i messed up…big time… i begged for another chance… i get it (?) and then as it would turn out…. i was at a place again begging for a chance for the same mess up… the same that had happened back then… somthing that whatever I did… it would never change… anyways… this is not abt tht… i got the chance… i worked on it… doggedly this time… with nothing in my hands…
somehow i began to think that things were changing… for the better this time… yeah the problems were there… there were problems she had…and i thought i was trying to the best to help her…. but somehow as it happened to turn out… it wasnt… or maybe it wasnt enough… well whatever it might be…
well surprisingly… i give in this time… (since she was sure that she was not happy with the way things were)… and me the silly fool that I am… told her that nothing else that mattered than her happiness… and if she felt that it was the right thing and that this would make her happy…so be it..
dint really know then… that was like the last nail on the coffin… my coffin… its true nothing matters than to see her happy… to see her smile… to see her feel free…
but somehow somewhere along the way… i kinda forgot how tht wud make me.. rather maybe i really did not forsee what that would do to me… no not her happiness and her smile and her being free…. but on the contrary… the lack of all those in my life… her presence… her everything…
and here i am now… at this juncture where somehow strangely i am not able to tell whether she is all that i just said…
i keep reassuring myself that maybe she is happy… that i am sure there are people keeping her happy and smiling…. however… i dont know why… its this strange new feeling… as much as i try to convince myself… i keep getting this thought… i dont knw… this question keeps creeping up… is she really happy… no not in the sense that a lover would ask or rather would secretly hope for… (being selfish ie) but well no… this is something different… i dont know… i somehow feel this inside… keep pacifying myself that its just mind games… but then… i dont know….
as much as i want her back… as much as i love her… i somehow still keep going back to saying the same thing… i hope that she is happy… that she is smiling.. that she feels free.. she feels the way she wants to feel…
i dont know what else to do… there have been many a times when i had wanted to say to her… but then… i really dont want to spoil anything for her… i really dont want to be the reason for her messing up something… i wish i knew what to do… and please not the regular jazz… let it go… move on… stuff like that… but no… i wish i knew what i could do to help her… i wish i knew…..

i miss it.. i miss it all… i miss everything… sometimes i miss me…. strange isnt it?
dont bother… its just the crazy me…. the nomad..correction…. the mad nomad :)

The Right thing to do.....

You know... if you are any bit the righteous (!!) guy... then you would have definitely come across this phrase many a times in life... if you are the kinda guy who specialises in giving advices to people then you are all the more guilty of using this phrase... its like a guiding beacon... "The Right thing to do..."

It's like smoking, comes with a warning below.... "The roads gonna be monstrously tough" but you anyways end up smoking. If it is the right thing to do then why do the roads have to be tough, why hasnt some noble soul walked up that road and done something to it?
It's the same everywhere, any story and you will have the Hero saying, "I know the roads gonna be tough, but I have to do it, coz its the right thing to do" Yeah right, as if the writers would have it any other way or for that matter the money making brains behind the whole deal. I can almost see the bioscope zooming towards DDLJ, the mother sending her daughter along with the Hero, the son-in-law she knows that would keep her daughter happy. And for that happiness she is willing to risk everything, the ire of her husband, and tells the kids to run away; and thus enters SRK with his soapy lines about the right road and the wrong road and all that jazz. About true happiness (this I shall write more about soon, have been wanting to)...

Anyways, I have begun to hate the movies... you know whatever you say, howmuchever you might mean it, its just a dialog that has already featured in some god forsaken movie. The emotions, the truth with which one might have said it and meant it is just lost because some silly protagonist has already said it somewhere... and what does one get in return... "yeh tho bus dialog maarne waali baat hai" and you wake up to the harsh reality that all that you just said was blown away like dust within moments... aaah, am again wandering away..

The right thing to do... I am supposed to be doing the right thing right now. But what is the right thing? Who decides the right thing? Can't be the people around you. The more you think about it, the more you realise that it must be that inner voice that gives you these nagging thoughts, those directions at the wrong times although on many other occasions at the right time to do something. What's it that they call it, your "Conscience" !!!
Hate it too, although your conscience is the one thing that's closest to you more than anyone or anything else. But then again, how exactly does one differentiate from the different things that the inner voice tells you to do. Coz after all its you who's doing the talking through your conscience. So what do you do when what's right as per you, but at the same time is the right thing to do. Which then is the one to be followed. Many a times there is no reason to thought, however many a times there isn't much thought given to reason.

So many questions arise when one tries to listen to their conscience, so many things that one is supposed to take care of... What does my conscience say? Is it fair? Could it hurt anyone - including me? How would I feel if somebody did it to me? Deep down how do I feel about it? How am I gonna feel about myself later if I do it?
Answering these questions in itself are so tough, sometimes you don't want to answer any of them, coz the truth might hurt you or someone else, you just don't want to face the facts, denial - to simply put it.

What does one do at such circumstances? What is the mind supposed to do? What is the heart supposed to do? How is the right thing to be done?